Double Mamaw decided that she wanted to go to church with us this Sunday. I know in my heart she was hoping to run into that Doreen Whitmere. Double Mamaw is wild when she gets wound up about something, and she has done nothing but chatter on about Doreen Whitmere all week. She had the misfortune of letting the woman swindle her out of money in a bad land deal, Aunt Cora T. had a similar experience. Both women were not pleased to see her back in town, especially with her all fancy dressed up for church neither.

Double Mamaw, in the church and seated, said stuff like, “If she wasn’t always scheming and conniving, maybe she wouldn’t have got so fat. Its hard to gain so much weight when you keep your fat mouth closed!” She made a few remarks how “I almost hope to run into that thieving sow, so I can wipe that smile off her puffy face.” Double Mamaw hadn’t seen that lady in several years, but she was already making comments.

When we all got to church, we sat in our usual seats near the front, and like a bad movie, here comes Doreen Whitmere down the aisle like she was famous or something. Long flowing gown with sequins, and a hat so big you had to be careful not to get next to her. Double Mamaw wrinkled her face into a frown, “Psst. Cora T. You was right, she looks like a hog headed to a charity ball!”

Aunt Cora T. turned around in the seat in front of Mamaw and whispered, “See Hyacinth. I told you she had gotten rather large these days, hun.” You know how when older ladies whisper in church and it sounds real loud? That is what Double Mamaw and Aunt Cora T. were doing. They kept hissing and babbling on for about 20 minutes until the service began. The ushers raised an eyebrow or two, but didn’t say anything to the two of them.

During the service, Double Mamaw told Aunt Cora T. to come sit with us, and she did. Those two hissed and whispered through the whole service. Meanwhile, I could see Double Mamaw staring holes in Doreen Whitmere. Even Mamaw was looking a little worried, since none of us had seen Double Mamaw wound up like this in a good long while.

Mamaw finally whispered, “Would you two just hush? Mother, you know good and well you ain’t supposed to act all irreverent in God’s house, with the man of God up there delivering the Word from on High! You and Cora T. need to act like y’all got some sense, and just hursh that mess a-whispering right now!” Both ladies nodded, and stayed quiet for the rest of the service.

Finally, the pastor closed the service, and Double Mamaw stood up, and took an empty seat next to the aisle, and Cora T. took a seat in the row in front of her, right next to the aisle too. When everyone began filing out of the service, I knew exactly what Double Mamaw was doing. She was laying for Doreen Whitmere, and both her and Aunt Cora T. were wanting to pounce like two old mad cats.

It wasn’t long until Doreen Whitmere came along, just waltzing and prancing down the aisle, still acting like she was some kind of royalty. She stopped and tried to greet Double Mamaw and Aunt Cora T, and I know she regretted doing it after.

Doreen Whitmere said, “Well if it isn’t my two favorite Hegelund ladies, Hyacinth and Cora! How in the world are you?” Double Mamaw replied quickly, “We’d be better if we had all the cash you swindled out of us. Looks like you used some of it to dress yourself in them fine streetwalker clothes. Just look at her Cora T! She looks like she would be perfect standing on the corner flagging down the men! Ugly men too! She is so greasy, if you pushed her down she would slide for a mile!”

Cora T. nodded and mentioned something about her looking larger than she remembered, while Doreen turned beet red in the face, then purple maybe. Double Mamaw didn’t wait; “Me and you got a score to settle! You stole from me and Cora T. and I just bet you got enough money in your purse right here and now to pay us back! Or did you spend it getting all liquored up and gambling, and on fancy clothes you still look fat in?”

Doreen let out a little gasp, and Double Mamaw went on with her tirade,”Maybe you just a-planning and plotting to scheme some of these churchgoers here out of their hard-earned money too!” Double Mamaw stood up, mind you she was saying all this really loud, and a small crowd of onlookers had gathered on the side, to see the commotion.

Doreen finally sputtered a reply, “I told you two ladies that these investments I sold you came with risks, and you were fine with it! Y’all ain’t got no cause to talk like that to me!” Double Mamaw said, “Yeah, I am fine with a solid risk, but that junk land you sold me and Cora T. ain’t even real property; I looked into it after you got run out of town last time, only to find out you sold us parcels of land that wasn’t nothing but junk! Pure junk! You will bust hell straight and wide open for what you done to us, mark my words!”

Doreen could not manage a reply that time, when one of the ushers told the ladies, “Y’all can’t come here and make no ruckus. Y’all got to at least take that outside! Go on now, get on out of here with that mess!” Double Mamaw whirled on him like a drill sergeant, “Who asked you Mr. Usher Man! We in here having us a conversation that you ain’t got no part in, and if you want me out of here you can just try to throw me out! You’d look mighty fine trying to harass a little old lady, now wouldn’t ya? Best thing you can do is scurry back to your place by the door and SHUT THE H— UP!” The usher looked stunned, and went away like a whipped pup.

Aunt Cora T. quickly said her goodbyes and almost ran out of the church. At least she had the good sense to know when to leave. But Double Mamaw had done got wound up. Doreen Whitmere turned to everyone standing there and said, “I am sorry for all the trouble, I think it is best if I leave.” Double Mamaw left her standing position in the aisle seat and blocked her exit completely, “You ain’t going nowhere Doreen until I have said my piece! Now you sit down right there across the aisle now, or I am going to whomp on you with my cane!”

Doreen sat down, too dumbfounded to speak. I guess nobody had ever called her out like that before. Double Mamaw kept on, “I guess you in the right place to tell the Lord what a sorry piece of trash you are! You better repent now while you can, because I ain’t decided what I am gonna do yet. You gonna hush, and I am gonna talk and you WILL listen!”

Mamaw let Double Mamaw ramble a few minutes, and for once she was too stunned to react. I don’t think she had ever seen Double Mamaw this riled up about anything. Finally, Mamaw took Double Mamaw’s arm, and said softly, “Mother, I think we have made enough of a scene here, why don’t we just go on home?” Double Mamaw half shouted, “Charlene, this woman took a big chunk of my money, flat out stole from me and you know how I am about crooks! I won’t tolerate it, no ma’am, not from anybody in this town, and especially not her!”

Double Mamaw took her cane and actually poked at Doreen Whitmere with it. By that time Doreen Whitmere was crying. Double Mamaw mocked her, “Go on and blubber out them tears, feeling sorry for yourself. You ain’t nothing but a common thief, and you done it so much in this town that nobody wants you around! You think stuff changes over time, but guess what lady? It doesn’t. Folks around here all know you fixed them elections that time, you had relations inappropriate like with half the men in this town, and got your way. Well you ain’t coming back here to do it again!”

Doreen was really crying now; suddenly Double Mamaw told Mamaw, “Charlene, lets get on out of here. This church smells like burnt lard; you know when it is getting too close to them flames of hell you always rave about? I ain’t hungry for pork chops neither, so lets leave Ms. Crybaby Fancy Pants and get on out of here, now.”

Mamaw took her arm again and led Double Mamaw out of the church; both women just left Doreen Whitmere sitting there crying. I guess she finally left, and Double Mamaw was a bit satisfied she dressed her down in front of all them people, because she didn’t say much more about it on the way home.

On the way home I was thinking to myself how it wasn’t right for that lady to steal money from my great grandma and my aunt. On the other hand, it was not right for them to make fun of her weight problem, and call her names, no matter what she did. It really wasn’t fair to call her out and jump all over her in front of all them church folks neither. I heard it said somewhere once, “Two wrongs don’t make a right” and I think that this time that fits pretty well.

I hope when I am old I don’t freak people out all mean like that, just saying everything that comes to mind, blurting it out in front of God and everybody.