Monday was Labor Day; and that means we get a whole three days to be off from school. We did our chores early, and came back into the house because it was threatening to thunderstorm and it was already raining. Drat, just my luck. But Shady and me got out his Uno cards, and were happily playing at the table.

We were having fun, and just minding our business with Double Mamaw snoozing in her knitting chair, with Mamaw moving around in the kitchen. Uncle Muddy decided to stretch out in his armchair and take a nap. Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and when Uncle Muddy answered the door, guess who of all people was standing there? Aunt Cora T! No umbrella, or raincoat. She just drove her little car up in the driveway and must have ran to the door. Soaking wet, she just waltzed on in like she owned the place, and sat down on the couch beside Uncle Muddy’s easy chair.

Now I told y’all about that time Aunt Cora T. made us wave our hands over her fire barrel, trying to tell us we was being mean, while she was babysitting us. She told us that is what hell is like, and that is where me and Shady were going if we didn’t learn to behave. We were even on our best ever behavior. So Mamaw went to her house right after, and clocked Aunt Cora T. in the head with her purse a few times for making us do that.

Aunt Cora T. lives just down the street, but we really have no dealings with her, since nobody in our house likes her. Uncle Muddy said they would just put a picture of an old dried up prune on her tombstone, and black flowers too, since she was so aggravating.

I think her and Mamaw made up at some point though; after all she IS family to us and family sometimes gets sideways with each other. Mamaw actually was in jail for ten days for hitting Aunt Cora T., but got to go home every night if she wanted; basically a custom community service. And of course she cooked food at home, and fed everybody in the jail, and preached to them prisoners for ten straight days.

Anyway, Aunt Cora T. got straight to it, when she caught her breath, “Hiram Eustace, Charlene, Hyacinth, I got news! Doreen Whitmere is back in town! I just saw her thirty minutes ago down to the grocery store. She came in all flowing and dollied up, dressed fit to kill driving that fancy car of hers, and she is staying at the hotel in town! I just bet she might try to come over here too!”

At that news, everybody in the house seemed to go on high alert! Double Mamaw woke up and sat straight up in her knitting chair and asked, “Do what? What is that evil, dried up old dingbat huzzy doing back here in Belle Binford? I thought she got enough of it last time, when they ran her out on a rail for fixing that election, and Lord only knows what else?”

Aunt Cora T. answered Double Mamaw, “I don’t know Hyacinth, I don’t imagine she is up to much good hun.”

Double Mamaw looked angry, “Well you know I can’t stand the sight of that heifer! She beat me out of a month’s pension, selling them pieces of so-called cheap land in Florida! Plum useless swamp land too; if I see her Hiram Eustace, you better hold me back, or I will snatch her head bald! I know every time she comes back here, she ain’t up to nothing but that same ignoramus nonsense. Her husband died a few years back; I figure she probably killed him because she wouldn’t shut her gob and he died from sheer aggravation, having to listen to that flapping mouth! Either that or he lost the will to live. I see why too, living with the likes of her!”

Now Mamaw wasn’t very familiar with Doreen Whitmore, having had no dealings with her, but she had heard Double Mamaw go on and on about her on more than one occasion. “Well Mother, don’t borrow no trouble and don’t be trying to get us to drive you down there, trying to render that old bat hairless. Otherwise I will be visiting the prisoners AND you on Sundays!”

Double Mamaw answered, “I might get me a notion to, Charlene, I just might. She wants a piece of me, I will give her the whole dang pie, and the cake and icing on top! And I will feed it to her with a shovel!” Wow, Double Mamaw was really upset that this Whitmere woman was back in town. Me and Shady stopped playing Uno, but we were pretending like we weren’t listening. Kids ain’t supposed to eavesdrop, but Double Mamaw and Aunt Cora T. were talking so loud, the storm outside couldn’t even drown it out.

Uncle Muddy was trying not to laugh, since he never had any dealings with this Whitmere woman neither. He told everyone, “Now what are you girls all clucking and carrying on about with this Doreen Whitmere? Y’all sound like she took away all your birthdays, and fed you sour persimmons or something? I don’t know who she is, but she got you two stirred up something fierce?”

Aunt Cora T. answered, “Hiram Eustace, that woman stole my savings, hun! She straight snookered me out of $1500, trying to get me to invest in oil parcels out in Texas! By the time she left town for the third time, I found out them parcels had been dead for twenty years, and was nothing but 10ft by 10ft fields of scrub and tumbleweeds. I ain’t fond of her, hun and y’all better watch her! Watch her good! She will stick that knife right in your pocketbook, and your backs!”

Mamaw brought everybody tea, and I thought to myself, “Well at least something can get Double Mamaw and Aunt Cora T. to agree and talk.” And Mamaw even brought Aunt Cora T. her favorite tea, some mint leaf or something like that. When family that really don’t care for each other does such as this, its a sure sign that some real trouble might be brewing, maybe an adventure!

Double Mamaw asked, “Cora, what does she look like? Is she fat, or is she still thin as a starving scarecrow?” Aunt Cora T. replied, “She looks a little large, and she has done some stuff to her face, and she looks puffy like she is bad to drink, hun.”

Double Mamaw answered, “Good! I hope she is fat, rotten fat like a tub of rancid lard! That way my cane will bounce just right when I jab her in the stomach with it! It will probably pop her corset too, and the buttons will fly slam out of it! I bet she has heels on, and the toes are pointy, like her head! And I can just see all that nasty lard ooze out too!” Aunt Cora T. confirmed that she indeed had on red high heels.

Even though it ain’t right, I love it when Double Mamaw gets wound up, because she is flat hilarious! She is better than any funny show on the TV too; some of the stuff she says makes me wonder where she learned all that. She could teach them comedians a thing or two, Uncle Muddy says sometimes. And I tend to agree.

Double Mamaw went on, “Well that Jezebel blimp better NOT show up here, or I will surely lose my religion and y’all might get to hear me talk ugly! And I will be doing it on purpose, because I cannot stand that thieving, lying, bigmouth waste of humanity!” Double Mamaw turned to Mamaw and Uncle Muddy, “This is for you two, Hiram Eustace, Charlene, you two best be on the lookout in case she shows up over here. I can’t promise you what I am gonna do if she does!”

Double Mamaw slumped in her knitting chair and muttered, “Dang thunderstorm day, Dang fat Doreen Whitmere, bringing up bad memories and making my arthritis hurt more! I am getting tired of all this mess. I feel like smacking her upside the head with my rolling pin, knocking her down and just letting her lay there. She done got me on a good mad! Y’all I am sorry, but there ain’t but a few people that makes me like this, and she is the main one! The dang nerve she has, coming back here to this town!”

I will keep y’all posted on what happens next. This might be a real doozy!