I promised y’all I would give y’all an update on Coach Winters. He is our crazy, drill sergeant P.E. coach that replaced Coach Thomas; you know the guy I told y’all about with the bullhorn who likes to yell and scream like a fool? Yeah, that’s Coach Winters. And honestly, we are all beginning to be fond of him, in a weird sort of way. Now here is that update.

Nobody quit P.E. that first day, the day him and Onion (Darius Evans) got into an almost fight, and Onion started crying when Coach Winters stood him down. We have had Coach Winters for almost two months now. I think Principal Morgan made him quit using the bullhorn, because he doesn’t use it anymore. He still yells a lot, but it seems like he is gaining a little bit of respect for us, because he gave us a “motivational speech” today.

Coach Winters began as we all gathered into a perfect military-style formation, and called the attendance roll. After we all said “Aye sir” when he called our names, he started his speech.

“Men, it has come to my attention that the ones who stand before me today have started squaring themselves away, and I am seeing solid evidence of that! When I came here, I know each of you dreaded the sight of me, and that is a good thing, if you look at it through the right lens!” Coach Winters paused for effect, then continued;

“In all my years doing this, I have never seen a crew shape up this fast and make this kind of progress. I want you each to know, I sincerely find it refreshing that I do not have to deal with a bunch of junior high students who’s only motivation is the candy in the concession stand! Cleanliness, morale and attitudes have all soared, and I cannot believe what I am seeing! Somebody wake me because I must have landed on another planet from a magic unicorn spaceship!”

We all laughed at that statement, knowing it was true for sure. Coach Winter’s went on, “The truth is, life is not easy, it is hard! Life is very hard, and no one is going to give you anything; you will likely have to fight for every inch of ground, every single thing you hold dear to obtain it, keep it and defend it! You men have shown me that you can follow orders, and keep your thoughts and comments disciplined, under wraps, and I am proud of you!”

We all screamed spontaneously as loud as we could, “Aye sir!” Coach Winters grinned, the first time I have ever seen him smile and continued his speech. “Settle down now troops, I am not serving cookies and punch, so pipe down or you WILL pay the penalty!” He said that with a half-smile as we all mock groaned in formation.

Coach Winters kept speaking, “Today I think it is appropriate that we have a round table, a pow-wow and see what needs to be done to make this even better. I will remove my hat, which you should all know by now signals your chance to speak freely. My hat is the equalizer, and I am removing it now. I want you all to make a circle, and leave a gap for me, and we will all discuss ways we can make this value added for all of us. Any gripes, whines, complaints or suggestions will be welcome at this time!”

Coach Winters removed his hat, got out his clipboard and pen as we all got in our circle seated on the floor, and he began calling on us, one at a time. He started with me, “Hegelund, you have any gripes, whines, complaints or suggestions for the team?” I told him I kind of wish we could add a little variety to our exercises, and not do the same exact thing every day. Coach Winters replied, “Good idea Hegelund, noted! Anything else?” I replied, “No sir.”

Coach Winters wrote that down, and answered me and went on, “Good to go. Onion, how about you?” Onion proudly looked at Coach Winters, “Maybe we can add a free throw match to our routine, basketball ya know, or maybe a few one on one games quick so it doesn’t use up the whole hour and a half of P.E.?” Coach Winters replied, “Noted, I will think about it. Good to go.”

On he went through every single team member, and everybody had good ideas. The best idea was the occasional flag football game, since most of us like that anyway. Coach Winters started speaking again, “Good ideas all, and not one gripe or whine, or complaint!” He stood up and put his hat on saying, “I guess we all got sprinkled with fairy dust today! I may weep with happiness! If you mock my joy in any way you will pay the penalty!” He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye, as we all howled with laughter.

We still ain’t too sure about Coach Winters, and he still makes us work hard. But it is not so bad, and I am actually feeling better and better. It’s beginning to look like one of them win win situations. He actually has a fantastic sense of humor, and that was for sure a surprise.

I still ain’t sure what “paying the penalty” means. I bet somebody will find out soon enough though.