Now I don’t know what happened exactly, and all the details, but the new kid, Martin LaSera apparently complained to the principal’s office, and got his mother to complain to the superintendent AND the school board, about the way Coach Winters treated her ‘baby’ and was treating all the rest of us, especially the way he heard Onion was treated on that first day.

Coach Winters had challenged Onion about his basketball skills, after Onion bawled up his fist, and threatened to hit Coach Winters on that first day we got him as our coach. Coach seriously overlooked that, after Onion was upset and crying, and told him nobody else had to find out what went on if all of us kids agreed, and we did; they shook hands and settled it like men. Afterwards, Coach Winters sent him to the showers to clean up after he got so upset, and acted like nothing happened.

Turns out that Martin LaSera, and apparently his mama too, were whiny babies, and did not like the type of discipline Coach Winters used, his teaching methods of yelling all the time, the bullhorn, the whistle and the wisecrack jokes he made all the time, and all the military style stuff. Martin’s mama especially could not stand the part where Coach Winters always said “Pay the penalty!” We all realized by now, that was just his way. To him, even having to take out the trash after class could be “paying the penalty.”

That was just him, and we were mad that he was gone! They sent one of the high school seniors to be P.E. monitor for us for the next two weeks. When the senior high class monitor found out Onion was left in charge by Coach Winters, he was overjoyed; all he did was give it over to Onion and sleep the whole period at the desk in Coach Winters’ office. We didn’t care, we liked Onion and we were determined that when Coach Winters came back, we would be better than he left us.

After all this, we all got called into a meeting together, with the superintendent, who basically grilled us all for an hour, saying he had to make a decision on whether to keep Coach Winters on or not. We made Coach Winters out to be a literal god; we even made up some good stuff that we thought he might do and told the superintendent. The superintendent could tell exactly what we were doing, and I guess he liked it, because after that nonsense, Martin left and went to another school, and we got Coach Winters back!

I heard later after all this nonsense, that Martin’s mama was screaming all crazy at the superintendent AND Coach Winters, shouting cuss words and accusations like a fool during their meeting. And that is what led the superintendent to call us all in together, and ask us about Coach Winters’ actions. Needless to say, we won, and Coach Winters got his back pay from being on administrative leave too!

It was a happy day in P.E. class when Coach Winters came back. We were in formation, and Onion was in his ‘coach’s uniform,’ getting ready to call the roll. Coach Winters came into the gym, and immediately yelled, “Class monitor, where’s my ghost! I need him to brief me on how everyone is doing!”

We hardly let him get in the door when we all broke formation and RAN to the door all happy he was back! We could tell he was relieved too; some of us hugged him, and we were all excited, asking questions. The senior monitor left Coach Winters office as soon as he heard Coach was back, probably aggravated he didn’t get to sleep through P.E. monitor duty anymore.

Coach Winters got us all back to the formation area, and said, “Why did you break out of formation for my sorry carcass! Bad stuff happens sometimes, but we don’t have time for mushy stuff! We can exchange greeting cards and candy hearts later, men!”

He turned to Onion, “Onion, I hear you don’t need ol’ Coach Winters anymore?! Why don’t you just be me for today? I hear you got it down even better than even I do! You planning to gun for my job? Outstanding, now show me what you got! Show me those newly acquired coaching skills! I need a few unicorns and pop rocks today!”

Onion strutted back to the formation, where all of us quickly got back into proper place, as Onion began flawlessly executing roll call, tasks and options. He got us going, and Coach Winters sat down in a folding chair, his whistle in hand and his hat in his lap. He shouted to Onion as we strolled by on the warm up lap, and told Onion, “You better bark orders like the enemy is on your tail and conflict is imminent, or you WILL pay the penalty!”

We were laughing hard, and Coach Winters, looking just a little older, and maybe just a bit tireder laughed out loud with all the rest of us. Every time we would pass by his chair on a lap, he would say something funny to us like, “You can run faster than that Hegelund, you just dawdling because you got moon eyes for that Wellington girl!” He told one kid, “You act like you never saw ol’ Coach Winters before! Hustle up! I am still just as elegant and pleasant as I ever was!” Every kid laughed, including me, as he shouted stuff like that to everybody who passed him.

Onion called out, “Pileup and cool down, double time at Coach Winter’s chair!” We all surrounded Coach Winters, who looked a little surprised. We all gathered around him, and he started telling us a little bit about what went on, and we listened to every detail.

When he got done, he said, “Men, like I said life is not all cake and ice cream. Seems like someone is always attempting to usurp you at every turn, but you gotta stay focused. You cannot quit, you cannot falter. You may grow tired, irritated, weary and even get really angry, but you must stay squared away, or they will eat you. And remember this, they have ketchup AND mustard!”

He went on in a low tone, like he was talking to old friends, and asked us, “What I want to know through all this is which one of you knuckleheads called me a marshmallow? Come on now, own up to it!” I know I looked guilty because I kind of made a face, and got a little worried until Coach Winters let out a huge belly laugh, the kind that shakes your whole body.

Coach went on, “Hegelund, I knew it was you! Heh heh heh! Marshmallow eh? I heard you kids filled that bald headed superintendent’s skull with a bunch of rubbish like me saving drowning puppies on Sunday, and saving old ladies from house fires?” He laughed even harder this time, “Heck and all this time I knew you just could not stand for Coach Winters to be gone! When you are among the best, you will not tolerate the rest!”

We all yelled, “Aye sir!”

He finished up with this, “Oh Hegelund!? Call me a marshmallow again, and I will make you think marshmallow! I will make you run laps around the campus until you see stars, and YOU WILL PAY THE PENALTY!”

Yeah, it was good to have crazy, loony, nutty Coach Winters back, for sure.