Mamaw is borderline skinflint cheap, and I mean CHEAP! She will make a dime scream until it spits back at least a nickel. This one time she found a yard sale (she do loves a yard sale) up the street, where this lady had a kid my size that had outgrown some pants and shirts. She bought the whole lot for five dollars; five sets of shirts and five sets of pants.

Now these were nice clothes and I liked them all mostly. There was also a fancy leather jacket she got for an extra two dollars, and man that thing is some kind of cool. All of those clothes fit me perfectly, and they were all basically brand new. The only thing was, there was a red pair of corduroy pants.

Mamaw made me wear those to school one day, picture this if you can in your mind; me wearing a plaid hunting shirt, and bright red corduroy pants. I am not sure what she was thinking, but I know what all the kids were thinking. I looked in the mirror before I left, and I was nervous about them. I looked like a skinny Valentine’s Day model that just fell out of a lumberjack scene.

I have a brown corduroy jacket, but that thing is really nice, with the fleece lined hood and the plaid inside, its cool and all the kids have those. But nobody in their right mind, especially not in junior high would be caught dead in the corduroy pants I have on, but here I was. Those pants were just screaming, “Here he is! Here is the corduroy king with a big fat target right on him! Here have fun and make him all upset all day long!”

All the kids made fun of me, and all day long I kept hearing remarks, “Hey Pete, don’t leave your chainsaw on the bus, you might get chain oil on them corduroys.” Other comments, “Why you got lines on your bright red pants? I bet is so the rainwater can run right off of you like little gutters?” Other stuff, “Red ditches britches!” “Oh look at the tiny lumberjack dressed so slick!”

Even the high school boys started calling me “Corduroy Boy” and “Poor Boy with the poor boy pants!” Man I was so mad all day; I couldn’t even pay attention in class and almost got sent to the office. By fifth period I was ready to punch the daylights out of the next moron that made fun of me. And of course that just made them do it more. And wouldn’t you know it, here comes my sworn enemy, Mullard Muldoon!

He yells, “Hey Sweetie Petie Hegelenie! Did your mamaw run out of welfare money? Aww I bet she went to that garage sale didn’t she, and got you them fine new red pants, all just for you!” I immediately bowed up to Mullard and told him, “Well I can change pants; what you fail to realize is stupid is forever, and you can’t wash that off or change it! And if you wasn’t such a punk, I would write it on the board and teach you how all that works. But that’s right, you can’t read so good, can you? Because you always skip class!”

Mullard was surprised that I actually stood up to him this time, because he backed up a little; “Say Hegelenie, what’s got into you, having the gall to stand up to me?” Then his friend Rebel came up, trying to be cool, “Yeah Petie Sweetie, you tryna get your butt whipped standing up to Mullard?” I answered, “You put one hand on me and you won’t like what happens next Muldoon!”

I bawled my fists up, ready to fight, but just then the sweetest, loveliest voice in the whole wide world broke the tense silence, “Robert Welbert Wellington, what in the name of all that is good are you doing with that hick, Mullard Muldoon? I declare, you are my brother but you have to be the crudest boy alive, second only to that fiend Mullard that you hang around with. I cannot wrap my mind around how you and I are siblings, I really can’t.”

Jewel Wellington, my dream girl had just saved the day. There she was in all her glory, surrounded by her entourage of the most popular, coolest girls in the school. And Jewel ALWAYS gets her way. Even the teachers adore her, because she is always kind to everyone, even if she is a little bossy. I love her, and I didn’t know she even thought I was alive. Rebel and Mullard kind of withered at her scathing tone, but I was speechless.

Jewel went on, “And Peter Hegelund, why are you standing there staring at these two idiots, with your fists bawled up ready to pounce? You know they aren’t worth a trip to the office? And your sweet grandmother would be so mad if you came home, with those nice new pants messed up, from fighting with these two thugs!”

Jewel went on, motioning to Mullard and Rebel, “You two creeps run along now, and leave us normal people be. Peter, you are going to walk me to class, so I can make sure we both get there safely. Now come on.” Apparently I was dumbfounded, because Jewel startled me out of my reverie. “Peter Hegelund, does the cat have your tongue? Or have you forgotten how to greet a lady? Never mind, come on and you can carry my books for me, if you would be so kind.” I mumbled something and said “Sure so guess so.”

Jewel laughed at me, “Oh Peter you are so silly.” Turning to her entourage, she said, “Girls! I will catch up with you in study hall; Peter is going to walk with me to my next class, if that isn’t too much trouble? It isn’t too much trouble is it Peter?” I stuttered and stumbled, “Uh uh that be fine.” She answered, “Good, off we go then! Goodness gracious you looked mad back there; I thought you would knock Mullard and my brother Robert into next week! I swear your eyes turned a shade of black for an instant.”

She rambled on about this and that, and I don’t think I got a word in edgewise the whole time we walked, and it was a ten minute walk to her next class. But I did not care; I was in heaven, hog heaven Uncle Muddy might say. I have loved Jewel silently from the moment I laid eyes on her last year at school, and she not only SPOKE to me, here I was carrying her books walking her to HER CLASS!

We got to her class and she said sweetly, “Peter, thanks for carrying my books and talking with me. Now I have to get to class, but perhaps you will sit with me, and the other girls when its time for lunch? We would love to have you sit with us, that is I would love to have you sit with us? Please say yes, of course you will.”

I told her, “I would love to.” She tossed her hair, turning with a swish, and said “See you in the lunchroom at lunchtime Peter Hegelund.” I managed a small wave in her direction, which made her giggle even more, and I finally made it to my class. I am not sure I will be even able to eat lunch right, sitting with Jewel. Y’all pray for me, please?