Y’all ever meet anybody that was rich on payday, but three days later they were borrowing money, and griping how poor they are? Well our great uncle Steve Lockwood was just this sort of dude. One time, when he thought Mamaw and Uncle Muddy was not in earshot, he tried to get me and Shady to loan him $20, knowing full well Mamaw would skin his hide for even asking. Yep, that’s the type of feller he is.

This one particular week, he was riding high. He had worked a bunch of overtime down at the sawmill, and he was throwing money around, buying stuff and trying to be Mr. Big Shot. He was at the pool hall hustling pool, and he won a bunch of money on top of that overtime I heard; so he was really wheeling and dealing. He came by our house and tried to bring a bunch of candy to me and Shady. Of course we took it, but Mamaw saw him and came running in the house mad and made him put it all back in his truck.

She said, “Them gifts from Stevie boy always comes with strings to some hellish nonsense he aims to pull later. You boys ain’t allowed to take NOTHING that dude ever offers you. Even if you thirsting for a drink a water, don’t you ever take it from him, because he will hound you like a demon from hell later!”

Of course we saw him uptown three days later, and he had spent all of his money and was trying to get $10 of gas so he could make it home, or so he said. Uncle Muddy had taken us to the parts house with him, and after Steve begged him for twenty minutes, he made ol’ Steve pull up his junky car to the pump, and he pumped the gas for him and sent him on his way. We all know Steve was looking for a quart of beer (he pronounced it qwawt), and he looked a little upset he didn’t get $10 actual cash from Uncle Muddy.

Uncle Muddy told us on the way home; “That boy ain’t nothing but a bum with a job. Y’all know the best way to get rid of that dude? Let him owe you money, then you won’t see him for a long time, until it wears off in his mind. Don’t ever let that fool around you, don’t let him borrow money, tools, or anything from you that you ever intend on seeing again.”

The grass had just started growing at our place, and Uncle Muddy likes to fix old junk lawn mowers and generally has two or three he fixed up, hid out in the back of his shop. So who drives up but ol’ Steve, trying to borrow a lawn mower. Uncle Muddy told him, “Sure. I got a brand new one I just fixed up I ain’t got a lot of money in. Come on over here and see if it will do. I will sell it to you for $150 dollars.” There goes Steve, saying “I only got five dollars down payment, but I will pay you out every week if you will let me.”

Uncle Muddy smiled big and said “Sure, no problem Steve. Here, you can load it right up in your trunk.” Off Steve drove with that redone new lawn mower, smiling big. Uncle Muddy looked at me and Shady and told us, “That’s the best money I ever spent. I won’t see that son of a gun for five years as long as he owes me money.”

I guess when you live as long as Uncle Muddy has, you get smart on outsmarting swindlers and idiots.