Remember how I told you me and Shady have to stay with Aunt Cora T. sometimes, since Mamaw can’t avoid it, and she is the cheapest babysitter around? Now that I have gotten older, sometimes Mamaw lets me stay by myself, or watch Shady if she has to go out of town. But if its longer than a weekend, she either makes Shady come with her, and lets me stay by myself, or she takes us to stay with Aunt Cora T.

Now I can’t stand Aunt Cora T. and neither can Shady, but we try to be respectful and make the best of it. This time we stayed four days with her from Monday to Thursday. It was summer, and we didn’t have school, so Aunt Cora T. found things to do around her house, all of her weeding and gardening for us to do while she was keeping us.

One of those days, she got it in her mind that she was going to burn leaves and sticks, and give us a lesson on hell to boot. She told us, “Hey hun, go get your little brother Shady and we going out to the fire barrel and burn sticks.” She had her Bible under her arm too, which was really weird. So we got around the fire barrel, she threw in a LOT of paper, sticks and leaves and we helped.

She opened her Bible and started telling us about hell, and if we were bad, that is where we are going. Shady was half-terrified, and I was starting to get real angry, since I didn’t need her telling me how the Bible works. Mamaw has that covered too well I think. Anyway, she made us wave our hands over near the fire barrel while it was roaring hot, and seriously told us, “That’s what you two are in for if you don’t start behaving!” And we didn’t do a single dang thing wrong neither!

When we got home after Mamaw came back, Shady started crying again and I was red faced mad; so mad I could barely tell her what Aunt Cora T. did. Mamaw didn’t say anything at first, but she stepped back and said “Cora T. made you children do what?! Ok boys, y’all go wash up and eat your plate of snacks. Me and your Uncle Muddy have something we need to take care of.” Then we heard her praying, muttering and calling on Jesus trying not to be mad.

“Hiram Eustace! Get your butt here now! I aim to visit Cora T. and give her a piece of my mind right now!” Uncle Muddy came running up, and she told him what aunt Cora T. did to me and Shady. Now Cora T. don’t live too far from us, almost in earshot so if someone is talking in the front yard, you can hear some of what they are saying.

Me and Shady waited til Uncle Muddy and Mamaw roared down the way, burning tires and spinning gravel everywhere, then we went to the edge of the tree line, and I heard two doors slam. It was a loud slam on each door, and I heard Mamaw yelling at the top of her lungs, “Cora T. Hegelund, get your a– out here now! Right now you evil, demon possesed religious Pharisee zealot! I aim to school you some on how to treat MY children!” We could almost hear what was being said just down the road, it was so LOUD!

I know I ain’t supposed to meddle and be nosy, but I got me and Shady our binoculars and we watched and sort of heard everything that was going on. Aunt Cora T. stepped out of the house, and Mamaw whapped her in the head with her purse, which surprised Uncle Muddy. Mamaw was screaming and swinging that big handbag, and Uncle Muddy had to SIT on her to get her to quit.

Cora T. was flapping, trying to get up; every time she would get up Mamaw would get loose from Uncle Muddy and whap her again. All the while Mamaw was cussing! I mean she was saying every bad word I ever heard at Aunt Cora T. Aunt Cora T. would start sputtering and wham, Mamaw would hit her again. I guess when she started bleeding Mamaw felt sorry for her and quit. At least that is what Uncle Muddy told us.

While we were watching through our binoculars, we heard sirens and saw two sheriff’s cars drive up. He put Mamaw in handcuffs, and she didn’t argue with him. They took her down to the station and actually put her in a cell. When the sheriff saw it was Mamaw, he smiled because that was highly unusual for him to see her on that side of the jail cell. He was going to just let her sit in the station house, but she said, “No sheriff. I did the crime so don’t you go getting soft and treat me no different than any other criminal idiot in here.”

The sheriff laughed and opened her cell door, and told her, “Ms Hegelund, you can just sit right there. You so honest I could probably give you the keys and you would not leave. He did the paperwork, while Cora T. was sputtering in the other room with the dispatcher. I don’t know what the sheriff told Cora T., but she was satisfied on dropping everything to a misdemeanor and a fine or community service.

Mamaw went before the judge the next morning, and he was actually visibly shocked to see her standing before him. She was honest about everything, while her attorney told her what to say. She pled guilty to misdemeanor mischief and they gave her a $50 fine and ten days of community service. Aunt Cora T. had to get some stitches, and Mamaw agreed to pay for her doctor visit and that was that.

Mamaw actually did her community service in that same jail, visiting prisoners and going to get snacks for everybody including the deputies, for ten whole days straight, while she preached to ALL who were present. I think most of them took the Lord as their savior too. I guess God worked all that to everybody’s good.

The only thing Mamaw told me and Shady was is this, “If anyone is going to school you two heatherns about hell, its going to be me, and our pastor. Cora T. ain’t got no sort of business trying to teach you two young’uns anything about the bible, hell or anything else. And if she ever does it again, I am going to learn her about the power of the purse again!”

She went on, “I went to jail, just like I ought to, and you should not go around swinging purses at people. But zeal for my children, just like Jesus ran them moneychangers out of the temple, the zeal for y’all just ate me up, and I had to do something. I paid my fine, did my duty and now I am free. Mamaw is sorry you two had to see that, so don’t let me catch you ever doing anything like I just did.”

Uncle Muddy chimed in, “I bet Cora T. don’t ever try anything that stupid again. She has been itching for that butt whipping for a long time, and the only reason I ain’t give her one is that a man don’t hit a lady ever. That ain’t the same for your Mamaw though.” He looked at us with a twinkle in his eye and Mamaw said, “Y’all three need to get on out of this house; don’t be a hothouse flower its too pretty in here to be cooped up! I am sure you three can find something useful and productive this day to do, than to sit here getting in the way of my housework!”

We looked back at Mamaw, and she had a big grin on her face too. I do love my family.