This last few months has been some kind of a blur. A good blur, a happy, crazy, messy, fun all over the place kind of blur. I told y’all that to tell you this, today was a real weird today at school. Kind of ok, and kind of weird at the same time is how I would actually describe the events that went on today; stuff I thought I would never see.

We got a new girl named Pat Elenrud from somewhere up north in our class a few weeks ago, nice looking too, blonde hair and the beach model, glamorous looking type, but a real odd bird. We all tried to be friends with her, but she was either shy, indifferent or something or other, because she was polite enough, but would not hang out with any of us. She wasn’t mean at all; but she just didn’t want to be bothered.

We were all confused, but figured she was adjusting to the new environment, so we all kind of let her do her own thing. Remember I said it was a weird day? You are about to see just how weird it was, and it involves that new girl Pat, and of course Mullard Muldoon. Me and Jewel had just finished hanging out at second break in the gym, because there was thunderstorms outside, and it was nearly a flood. The gym had a leak, and the janitor had placed a mop bucket under the drip. We were standing at the other double door entrance, just about to head to class.

The doors opened to the gym before we could open them to go out, and in walks Mullard Muldoon, wildly looking for me! “Oh no, here we go again,” I thought, ready for a showdown, but before I could finish my next thought, Mullard hollered, “Pete, Pete, I need to talk to you. Please? He pointed at Jewel, “I ain’t up to nothing and I ain’t gonna waylay Pete, but I really need to have a GUY talk with Pete, if that’s OK. Please?”

Holy Moly! Mullard was asking please and that was really really strange. I told Mullard to meet me in study hall, and we would talk there. He grinned! Mullard actually GRINNED at me, and said, “See ya Pete! Thanks man!” and ran off. We had study hall for the next class, and I was puzzled, and a tad bit apprehensive. After all, he tried to beat me up a couple of times over the years, and Tank dang near knocked his wind slam out of him a few weeks back. “A little trepidation goeth a long way,” Uncle Muddy says.

Jewel looked at me with a half-grin, and I was thinking she must have already known about him doing this. My sweet little eavesdropper. I was right. “Pete, I think he wants your advice on girls, but I will let him tell you. I heard him and Robert going on for an hour about this last night. I am headed to class, you can tell me what you said, or not because THAT is between you and Mullard. See you Sweetie Petie.” She blew me a kiss, and left for class.

Now here I was, really wondering what Mullard was all fired up to talk to me for. When I got to the study hall, Mullard motioned to me to sit in the back, at the back table. That’s the one everybody goes to when you want to talk, and not get shushed in study hall. The monitor was one of the high school kids, a senior, so we could kind of talk freely. The high school monitors don’t care, as long as we don’t kill each other, or burn the place down.

I sat down, being mighty cautious, across the table from Mullard, and he looked around and got right down to it; “Hegelund, I know you and me ain’t friends and you got a right to say no even before I say anything, but I need your help, and probably Jewel’s too.” This was getting interesting. My sworn enemy since first grade asking ME for help. This was too rich, so I asked sarcastically, “What in the world could you ever need my help with? I can’t stand the sight of you, and you probably feel the same about me.”

Mullard answered, “I see you are still mad about the way I always treated you, but I need to ask ya to set that to the side, please? You see, that new girl, Pat? I know you noticed her, we all have. I really really want to be with that girl, and I really like her. Problem is, she won’t talk to nobody, and don’t seem like she is interested in nothing but her schoolwork, and running track.” So he wants my help with a girl, since I managed to steal the one he really wanted?

Mullard answered my thoughts like he was reading my mind, “Now this ain’t nothing to do with you and Jewel, I made my peace with that and she likes you, and that’s cool. I just want to get to know this girl, and was hoping you and Jewel might hook me up?” His tone was very sincere, almost pleading, and I scratched my chin and said, “I don’t know. She won’t talk to anybody like you said. Let me think on it, and let me run it past Jewel, and maybe Jasper and let’s see what we can do.”

Mullard was overjoyed that I would even consider it, shook my hand three times, and just kept bobbing his head all stupid looking with a grin. “What about Rebel, I asked?” Mullard answered, “Ah that dude. Yeah, he ain’t much help, and he will pretty much go along with what I ask, but I wasn’t aiming to ask HIM to help. Rebel is the one that said maybe I oughta ask you. So here I am. I know you can’t work no miracle, but I really really really bad really want to date that girl.”

Sigh. I told you suddenly being the popular kid has its issues. I kind of liked it before when I was a nobody on campus; but I would not have Jewel then, so I guess I gotta deal with this. As mean as he has been to me all these years, an olive branch is an olive branch, and that’s probably the best I will ever get out of Mullard. Besides, Mamaw says, “Him who would ask from you, turn him not away;” that is in the Bible too.

I started talking, “Mullard, here is what we are going to do; first off you need to get your best clothes or get some different ones, and start dressing fit to kill, like you are a lawyer or something.” Mullard shook his head, “I can do that, I will start doing it tomorrow.” Mullard had his notebook out, writing down every WORD I said!

I went on, “Then I want you to go get a neat haircut, and cut off that stringy long hair, it looks nasty. You want to appear neat with some really nice shoes, the best you got. Also, you need to put all new book covers on your books. The ones you got are raggedy and have cuss words all over them. They really make you look like a real idiot.”

I added, “Most importantly, do NOT skip class anymore. Study your books, and try to present yourself like a winner; girls do not like losers, or bullies. So don’t pick on anybody else either. And if you even think you want to call me “Sweetie Petie Hegelynie” one more time, I will know it and that’s it, it will be over with, I declare before God. If you don’t agree to this, or you break your word to me, I ain’t helping no more, not now not ever! Those are my terms, take ’em or leave ’em.” Mullard shook on it and gave me his solemn word.

I wound him up a little bit here, I couldn’t help myself. “And Mullard, you really really need to stop wearing that stinky cologne you got on right now. Your fingernails are dirty too, but the cologne has to go. That is the nastiest stuff I have ever smelled somebody put on their body. Man, I hate to break it to you, but you stink!”

Mullards eyes got wide and he raised his eyebrows, “Man that stuff is expensive, man I don’t…” I shut him down, “You said you wanted help, now I am helping you, and you been my sworn enemy all this time. That mess you wear stinks to high heaven. Go ask one of Jewel’s girlfriends what they like, and they will recommend a better scent, and don’t bathe in it no more!”

Mullard bobbed his head again, “I can do that, what’s next?” I told him the hard part, twisting my finger in the wound, just because I could, “You smell bad a lot of times, and your mama and daddy ain’t poor, so take a shower! I mean it. Every single day and wear underarm deodorant. If you ain’t showering every day, start now!”

Mullards eyes got big and he sputtered, but before he could get a word out I said, “Uh uh uh! You asked me for help, so I am going to tell you the truth! I don’t lie (heh heh); and one more thing, give up the cigarettes. That girl will run like a scared puppy from you if you stink like cigarettes. Quit them now! No tobacco of any kind, ever!” I put that in there just because I still don’t like Mullard, and he don’t need to be in Jr. High smoking anyway.

“We smell you, all of us all the time, but ain’t nobody told you, but now I am telling you. Do it. Girls don’t like underarm funk! Soap and water is cheap, and we are ALL tired of smelling your body funk!” He wasn’t that bad to smell, but I had to get him back somehow. Besides, it would only help him with that girl. Heh heh.

I will admit I got satisfaction looking at his face react, when I told him the smelly part. That was fun, and I think he owed me that. But it was mostly true, even if he didn’t smell as bad as I made out he did. I think he kind of deserves to think that, since he has been evil to me for so many years. I hope the Good Lord understands, but if He don’t I guess I will have to repent, and it will be worth every minute of it!

I went on, “And stop bobbling your head that hard, it makes you look like you broke your neck, or you have a birth defect. Try it like me, check this out. Just nod slow, walk a little slower, and sit up straight.” Mullard actually tried to do it like me. Man its amazing what a girl will make a man do, when he really likes her.

I actually sounded like Mamaw telling him all that too. This is too much fun, and I am glad he came to me. I really am. I will fill y’all in on the rest of it later.