In my last article, I told y’all about Mamaw’s soap jar, and how we all made up cuss words so we didn’t have to taste that soap. That is the house rules, and Mamaw sticks to them like everything. She even had to bite off a piece of it once, but we didn’t get to see her do it. Uncle Muddy did though, and they always fight over who left the biggest bite mark in the soap. That is crazy if you ask me, but that’s them. Double Mamaw says they would both argue with a stop sign, with a cop standing there telling them to move.

Double Mamaw asked us all to sit a spell in the living room after Sunday dinner, because she was feeling mighty lonesome during the holidays, and she wanted us to gather around her in her knitting chair, so she could feel like it was real Christmas. You know with family and all. So we all did that, and she started telling us a story about Uncle Muddy when he was real little.

Double Mamaw, “I wanted to tell y’all a funny story about your Uncle there, and yes I am going to tell off on him sure!” We all laughed, because Double Mamaw has some funny stuff when she tells stories.

“When your Uncle there, Hiram Eustace, was little, and I mean like four or five years in age, he was bad to steal tobacco from everybody, field hands, the gas man, even Big Daddy, that’s your great great grandpa, my late husband!” We all knew that, but Double Mamaw always makes sure to put them little details in.

She began telling the full story, “Anyways, he would watch the hay hauler boys we hired, for when they would throw down a cigarette still lit, and he would slip off behind the barn and finish smoking it. I don’t know what got into him, but that is what he did.”

Continuing on, “He would do that with anybody we hired, and we all smoked and chewed tobacco back then, its just what we did. I ain’t saying its right or healthy, but everybody did it back then. The dog had him a chaw, the cat tried it but hissed at it, and I think even the birds got them a buzz from the tobacco we grew out back now and then.” We all laughed at her saying the animals was smoking and chewing too.

When our laughter settled down, she went on, “This one day, Big Daddy was going out to worm our mule. We just called him “Mule” and that was his name. Big Daddy would take a big ole foil and paper wrapped plug of Levi Garret tobacco, taking off the foil but not even taking off the paper, and he would stand in front of Mule with an apple. When that mule would open his mouth for the apple, Big Daddy would just throw that tobacco plug right in there, to worm him.”

“Now Mule was some oh smart; he knowed that tobacco was bitter, and Mule didn’t like that at all, no sir! He would pretend to be chewing it up, and even pretend to swallow it, but when Big Daddy got out of sight, he would rear back and spit it out! Pitooi! Hiram Eustace (she pointed to Uncle Muddy, who was grinning) over there was smart too; he would stand around with his little 5 year old self, just waiting and a-hoovering for the mule to spit that tobacco plug out. He would grab it up and hide it somewhere, and come back and have him some free tobacco. It had paper on it, so he didn’t get mule spit neither.”

“Now I knowed Hiram Eustace was doing that, but I had never caught him red handed before, so I didn’t say nothing at the time. This one day when Big Daddy wormed the mule though, I saw your uncle there, a-standing out there waiting on the mule to spit out that fresh square plug of tobacco. When the mule spit it out, Hiram Eustace snatched it up, and hid it under a rock right in front of the barn, and came on back into the house. I saw the whole thing, and I waited til he went in for his bath, then I had Big Daddy go retrieve that plug of tobacco from under that rock. I didn’t want my child doing no such as that.”

Laughing a little for emphasis, Double Mamaw cleared her throat and went on with her story, “Well we ate our supper, and Hiram Eustace was acting a bit distracted, like he had ants in his britches, but me and Big Daddy knowed why. He was aiming to eat real fast, and retrieve his tobacco that Mule had done spit out. He could NOT finish supper fast enough, and me and Big Daddy knew he was in for a big rude awakening!”

“Sure enough, after your uncle there had cleaned his plate, he almost RAN out to the rock he had hid that tobacco under, right there in front of the barn, about 25 feet from the kitchen window. Me and Big Daddy commenced to watching what he did, and he ran right to that rock and lifted it. Some burglar had done took his plug of tobacco, and me and Big Daddy was laughing hard. I pulled the curtain partway shut so he couldn’t see us, and we tried to keep our laughing down to a whisper, so your uncle wouldn’t know we was laying for him in that window.”

Double Mamaw had to stop and wipe her eyes because she was laughing hard trying to get the rest of the story out. “What happened next made me laugh so hard, I almost couldn’t keep standing at that window. Big Daddy was laughing too and he had to catch BOTH of us, because we just couldn’t stand it! When Hiram Eustace saw his precious plug of tobacco gone, he started yelling at the top of his lungs, “Some burglar done got it, a burglar has got my plug! That was when he started cussing.”

Double Mamaw raised her eyebrows and continued, “I heard your uncle there say every single cuss word in the book! Blankety blank blank blank blank! Blank this! Blank that! God’s name in vain blank this and blankety blank blank! I was astonished that our little child knew all them cuss words. But the funniest part was when he finished all them cuss words, he ended it all with shaking his fist to the sky and yelling, “Bootie Butt!”

“I fell on the floor laughing, I had never laughed so hard in my whole entire life. For him to cuss all that up a storm like that, all them horrible words and end it up with “Bootie Butt” was more than me and Big Daddy could stand. We went to the back door, when we could see from the tears in our eyes a laughing like fools, and we motioned for Hiram Eustace to come to the house.”

“He came a running back, red faced and looking mighty guilty. Imagine a four or five year old child, saying all them horrid bad words, saying “Bootie Butt” on top of it, then shaking his fist at the sky. Then having to come back and own up to all of that, with both me and Big Daddy still laughing too hard to whip him. What made it even funnier is when Big Daddy showed him the plug and asked him if this is what he was looking for.”

She finished with a flourish, “Hiram Eustace didn’t miss a beat. Still red faced, still out of breath from his cussin’ binge and running back to the barn, he took one long at Big Daddy and me and seriously asked, “So y’all must be the burglars, huh!” We both roared laughing, and I think Big Daddy sent him out to the barn to think and tell God he was sorry for doing what he did.”

“Hiram Eustace left the house slow, and mad, headed to the barn to ‘sit and pray’ of course, and me and Big Daddy just kept laughing. That was truly the funniest thing I have ever witnessed, this side of Glory. I shore miss Big Daddy, I shore do.” She ended her story right there, and we were all belly laughing, and hugging her because I could tell that it made her miss my great-great grandfather. She swears he still comes to her sometimes, and we don’t doubt it a minute.

So that’s why Mamaw sends me to the barn to ‘sit and pray?’ I sure would give a plugged nickel to see my five year old Uncle Muddy carrying on like that too!

(Special thanks to my late dad Don Gressett, and his mother (my grandmother Estelle) for this mostly true story. Rest in peace in the arms of Jesus, the both of you).