Uncle Muddy doesn’t go to church much, except on Easter and maybe Christmas. And that is usually because Mamaw makes him go. She always gets her hopes up when he does go, but generally he spends most of his time at church, standing in the parking lot smoking cigars with the other dudes, while the service is going on.

I asked him one time why he didn’t go with us more. He replied, “Pete I could lie to you and say its just because I don’t want to go, but that ain’t the whole of it, son.” I nodded, and he continued, “Most of them that goes down to your Mamaw’s church, sometimes her included, are all pious, self-serving and pretentious hypocrites. They look down their noses at people like me, because I cuss, I like me some beer, and a cigar and I don’t look, act, walk or talk like they do.”

Uncle Muddy went on, “That ain’t even the biggest reason I don’t like going though. The main reason is, there might be tambourines in the song service, and if there is anything I hate more than a hypocrite, its a dang tambourine player in the church!”

I must have looked surprised, because he started explaining, “Ain’t nothing worse than getting all ready to be bored to death by another bible-thumping sermon, than a woman jumping around like crazy, waving a tambourine around and shaking it like she is actually wiggling that awful thing right in the devil’s face!”

He paused, and continued again, “No son, I absolutely can’t take all that racket. Sister Rinky Tink and her out of tune piano is bad enough, but that one time that wild woman came with that evangelist, and your Mamaw begged me to come, Ms. Tambourine liked to have destroyed my nerves with that rattling, and banging. I just can’t stand it!”

I was not expecting that answer, but he must have read my mind because he kept describing it to me. “Son, the Good Book may say ‘make a joyful noise unto the Lord,’ and yes I read that Bible a few times over. But them tambourines in a church is just that, noise! I can handle drums, and I can even handle guitar and the off-key singing. But tambourines is where I flat draw the line!”

Its amazing what affects people, I think. Come to think of it, I don’t like tambourines either.