Mamaw takes the Bible literally, too literally sometimes. As such she likes to visit the jail because the Bible tells us not to forget the ones in chains. Sometimes, when the sheriff gets a really tough inmate, he calls Mamaw on the phone and sicks her on that dude. She talks awhile, and almost every single time, they end up blubbering like a baby, and giving their heart to Jesus. (Some of them might do it just to get rid of Mamaw, but I ain’t judging, no sir).

There was one Saturday Mamaw took her with me. She said the deputy called and asked would she come down and talk to one of the new prisoners. So we grabbed our Bibles, and headed to the county jail. She took along some cookies and what-not to eat, she calls it a “care package” with toothpaste and such.

When we got there, that man was plum wild-eyed and screaming and hollering so bad, they couldn’t take his booking picture, or fingerprint him or nothing. They had him handcuffed to a ring on the wall of the cell and took his belt away so he wouldn’t do nothing dumb. Me and Mamaw had a little prayer, and off we went, down the line of cells to talk to this man.

I ain’t never seen somebody so upset over something. His charges weren’t even that bad. Turns out they picked him up on shoplifting, and he was probably going to end up with community service, but he was carrying on like he was about to die. Neither me or Mamaw were scared either, since we both done this a few times. Mamaw didn’t bring Shady though, he is too little and it would frighten the bejeebers out of him for sure!

The deputy who let us in was so frazzled by that man, he almost RAN out of the jail unit back to his desk. Mamaw wasn’t fazed one bit; she had the other deputy bring me and her a folding chair and we sat down outside the cell and Mamaw began talking.

“Say man, what’s got you so infernal riled up like the devil got his evil claws in you? Tell me now, there ain’t a lick of sense in what you are doing son! You can’t go nowhere now, so you best stop stomping and screaming before you hurt your darn self. You are kicking against the goads like a wall-eyed Philistine and acting like the Gadarene demoniac.”

The man screamed back, “Why do you care old lady? Why are you even here? I don’t want you here or that sniveling little brat neither! Y’all go on, git! Git on outta here and let me be!”

Mamaw said, “Not a chance mister! I ain’t going nowhere til we get to the bottom of what is ailing you. The sheriff told me your charges wasn’t even that bad, and you was probably doing community service at that. There ain’t a bit of cause under God’s Heaven that would render you thusly as to be screaming like a banshee over a measly little charge of stealing a few groceries! Now you hush that mess, hush it up and be a man right now! You are locked up because you did something wrong. Heck if you wasn’t acting all childish and crazy, the sheriff would have probably released you for $150 on bail. That’s just plain ignorant as all mortal gall if you ask me. I think your problem is you got caught, and you are just ignorant and forgot how to conduct yourself properly!”

The man yelled, “That ain’t the issue lady, that ain’t it at all! I was supposed to get married in three days but she called me and said its over! And I can’t take it no more!”

Mamaw replied, “Well how ‘bout you settle down a little bit, when you do we can get the deputy to take off them handcuffs from that wall, and me and you can sit down and sort this out like human beings? What do you say? While you thinking about it, me and Pete are gonna say you a prayer:

“Oh Lord our Precious Heavenly Father, we humbly beseech you on this Thy day you have created to send your spirit of peace down this dark corridor of shame, of sin and torment. We ask Thee to let Thy Presence descend like a dove in this dark place, and give that poor wretched, tortured soul chained to the wall Your Eternal Peace and wisdom. We thank Thee for this oh Lord, and we pray that this man’s eyes are opened, and he sees the total ignorance of what he is doing here, and how his cause is not lost. In the name of Thy Precious Son Jesus we pray Thee, Amen.”

Suddenly the room went totally silent, just like after a thunderstorm went through, and I could see the man start to relax. After a few minutes passed, he said to Mamaw, “I think I may be feeling just a little better now, maybe you could get me off this wall?”

Mamaw hollered, “Deputy, I think your man is ready to come off that ring on the wall now. Come let him off!”

The sheriff himself came back this time with the keys without hesitation, and told the man, “Don’t you try nothing stupid and we will let you loose from that ring. One peep of what you was doing before, and back you go.” The man nodded to the sheriff and the sheriff opened the cell, and took him off the ring.

The sheriff said sternly, “The handcuffs stay on for now, so you don’t try anything with Ms. Hegelund or the boy here outside.”

The man nodded and sat down in the cell and Mamaw said, “Now don’t that feel better, now that you ain’t howling and waking the dead like a mad coyote?”

“Who in the h— are you lady?” the main asked incredulously.

Mamaw replied, “I am a child of God Almighty sent to argue some sense through that thick head of yours, that’s who. Now you listen to what I say, and listen real good. Ain’t no woman worth all that sort of nonsense, stealing and running from the law like you was about to die! Don’t you fish boy? There’s more fish in the sea than Carter’s got liver pills, and if that heathern harlot wants to leave you be, you best let her go ‘cause she probably ain’t no good nohow.”

Mamaw went on, “If you ask me I think the Good Lord Almighty above just did you a favor by running her off. Let the trash take itself out. You gotta worry about you, and only you right now! Because you are the wayfaring miscreant that is locked up in this cell like a dog right now, not her! What good you think that’s gonna do all that bellowing and yelling?”

The man said, “I guess not much huh?”

Mamaw said, “Well you guessed right. Now you pray with me and tell the Lord you are sorry you done it, for stealing and acting like a crazed fool just now. Once you do that, you can have some of this cookies and such I brought you, and that ought to help your feelings some. Let’s pray boys, come on.”Mamaw me and the prisoner all prayed a prayer for Jesus to come into his heart. Man I ain’t never seen nobody who can scare the devil right out of somebody with a prayer like that, and that fast.

She talked with the man a little longer, we were probably there about two hours, and when we left, the man in the cell was smiling big. I ain’t sure how she does it, but Mamaw sure has a hotline to God, and that is the gospel truth!