Uncle Muddy likes to tell us the story of how there used to be the “meanest man that ever lived” in town. His name was Horace, but everyone called him “The Fink” behind his back. I will let him tell it…

Uncle Muddy: Now boys, I’m gonna tell y’all a story about the meanest man I ever did see anywhere, and I been around the world with the military twice! His name was Horace, but we called him “The Fink” because he was some kind of mean. I mean evil mean. Dogs went on the other side of the street to avoid him. Cops would not even stop him if he was speeding in that ratty old car of his.

He was uptown one day and got into an argument with one of the sanitation workers, said he got his spot while he was running errands. He hit that poor worker so hard that he went back almost ten feet, and ol’ Fink walked around with a bandage on a broke hand for about a month. He narrowly missed assault charges, because the worker didn’t want to cross him.

He used to run the grocery store here in town, and he never smiled. Had four kids and a wife, them kids was all close in age, and his wife left immediately after the last one got up to school age. All them kids worked at the grocery store, and none of them ever smiled either, talked to anybody much, or even had anything to do with any of us at the time, and we was all close to the same age.

One time a lady with a full basket of groceries was five cents short change of her bill, and he made her walk out without her groceries, screaming the whole time, and TRIED to make her put them all back on the shelf, like she worked there. She got so mad at ol’ Fink that she busted a giant glass jar of maple syrup over his head, and knocked him slam out. When he tried to press charges, the cops wouldn’t even hear it, they just told him to leave. He got to walk around town with a bandage on his noggin that time.

He was super stingy too; he would sell bread that was starting to mold, but expect you to pay the price of fresh, and even sour milk too. He couldn’t get anyone to work for him unless he payed extra wages, because, like I said he was a mean dude, and ornery as a wounded bear.

He would yell so much at his workers, his kids, anyone for that matter, that his throat would get hoarse, and that is when we all started calling him Fink. Sometimes kids would stick their heads in the door of the store and say stuff like “Hey Fink! You stink!”and run off laughing.

The cops caught him being mean to his ol’ hunting dog Ralph one day. Had him chained up with a bowl of dirty water, and no food and that poor dog was crying real bad. They locked him up for that, and all Fink did was bloody his hands beating the bars. He never drank, or did nothing else that I recall, he was just evil mean to everybody. The dog was ok though; one of the nice church ladies took him in, so that was good for the dog. Poor dog was never right after that though. He just cowed all the time like you was going to hit him.

Anyway, ol’ Fink went up to the judge and when the judge asked him about bail money, he actually spit in the judge’s face. He ended up doing 15 days for animal cruelty and 30 more for contempt of court. All of his kids moved away at age 18, and went anywhere they could away from ol’ Fink. I bet he treated them kids some kind of bad. I would have dang shore left too.

When ol’ Fink died, they put up a poster in the window of that very grocery store, and waited five days before they buried him. None of the kids would come; the only person that came was the preacher at the time, and he said he only came because he “wanted to make sure he was actually dead, so the town could get some peace for a change.”

They buried him in the public free cemetery, and put a single little stone on it that said “H. Fink” and his born and died days on there. They didn’t even bother to put his real name on it. We used to visit the cemetery as kids for fun, and somebody put a big red X on that stone with spray paint.

It was said when they went to his house shortly after his death, the house was spotless, with plastic covers over everything. He ran a grocery store, and his brand new refrigerator was EMPTY! Slam nothing in it whatsoever, not even a jug of water! When they opened his cabinets, there wasn’t a dish in the entire house. No cups, no plates, no nothing. Like it was never used. No TV, no chairs sat in, just plastic sheets over everything and that had to have happened before he died.

Pete: I wonder where Uncle Muddy gets all these stories from. I was kind of hoping ol’ Fink would get redemption, or have a happy moment before he died, or maybe find Jesus and not go to hell, but not Uncle Muddy, no way. Me and Shady went to the cemetery and could not find the stone he was talking about. Maybe a ghost, or one of his enemies took it probably. I am sure he busted hell open at the gates too. I know Mamaw says we ain’t supposed to judge, but I think ol’ Fink probably was doomed the moment he was born.