Everyone here in Belle Binford, Mississippi (thats in Hopinatta County) has a nickname that suits them just right. I got my name because when I was a baby I backed into Mamaw’s prickly cactus plant, and got stickers all in me. Shady (his real name is Eduardo something or other) got his name from being left in a basket under the shade tree in front of the sheriff’s office. The dispatcher found him while taking a smoke break and there ya go. I always suspect the gypsies left him under that tree, but I can’t prove it.

Uncle Muddy (his real name is Hiram Eustace Hegelund) got his name because when he was real little, they had a baptismal service at the local creek, and it was right after a big rainstorm where the banks were flooding. While they were singing the Doxology, somehow he slipped and fell in the water, and the church folks were hollering and carrying on like he was for sure a goner.

He came up out of the water and the preacher at that time grabbed him and he had mud all over his face. Folks went to laughing because they were so relieved he wasn’t dead. After that, all the old folks would wink at him and say stuff like “You went right on the bottom of that water just like an old mudcat catfish.” He never managed to live that name down and it just stuck after all those years.

Me and Shady have some other friends with special names too: Stinky and Tank. Stinky is the nastiest kid I have ever met. He can fart on command, burp without swallowing anything and always smells like motor oil even after a bath. Tank got his because he is the only 6th grader who is 6’1 at 250 pounds. During planting season, his daddy uses him to pull an old fashioned plowshare. Tank begged his daddy to do that so he could “strengthen up” for football season, I ain’t lying.

Mamaw loves it when Tank comes over to eat chicken, and she makes several extra. She said “Gluttony may be a sin, but Lord Jaysus that child can hold it. He may have a tapeworm or thyroid issues but that young’un is strong as a young bull ox!” We watched him pick up the front of a small car once, while telling Uncle Muddy he would be the jack until he could get the stands under it.

I have a couple of enemies with nicknames too: Rebel and Mullard Muldoon. Mullard doesn’t have a nickname, but I gave him a few like butthole and fart face. I don’t think even Jesus would like Mullard he is such a mean person. One day I am going to kick him as hard as I can and I ain’t even going to repent or say I am sorry neither! I bet he busts hell wide open, or ends up in the pen! Rebel is just a moron that hangs around Mullard, kind of like one of them henchmen in a spy movie or a really dumb villain.

Anyway, I have to go do my homework and help Shady with his. He can’t pay attention to anything without me helping him, and we are doing his sentence diagrams this week. I wonder if I will ever have to diagram a sentence in the real world when I grow up?

(Y’all don’t tell Mamaw I said the word “fart” ok? She will preach me a sermon on filthy communication and wash my mouth out with soap).