Mamaw does NOT allow cursing, swearing, taking God’s name in vain or anything that might remotely make her think that is what you are doing. She shudders when Uncle Muddy does it; but he tries to keep it to a minimum. Mamaw tell us all the time, “According to the Holy Word of God, there ain’t nothing outside a man that can defile him, but only that what comes from inside.”

I am not quite sure what she means by that, but Uncle Muddy nods and he gets a pass, more often than not. When you are young like me, and real young like Shady though, you gotta be real careful what you say. Mamaw keeps a bar of white soap, right there in a jar on the counter. She has a piece of tape with the words, “Cussing soap” written right on that jar, and it does NOT taste good at all! On the back of that jar, in case we missed it somehow, she has part of a Bible verse that says, “No filthy communication shall come out of your mouth!”

That soap bar even has bite marks, from the time Uncle Muddy cussed real bad, and Mamaw badgered him until he bit off a piece, and spit it out “Phooey!” He made a face, but even he knows the rules. When he heard Mamaw cussing out Aunt Cora T., you know that one time she smacked Aunt Cora T. with her purse and had to go to jail for it, he made HER bite off a piece of it. They both argue sometimes that the biggest bite mark was made by the other one, and its hilarious!

When you can’t say the fun cuss words, like when you do something like hit your thumb with a hammer, or trip over a rock and almost fall, you have to get creative. My favorite one I use is “Great day in the morning!” As in “Great day in the morning Shady! Why are you still playing when Mamaw flat told us ten minutes ago to clean up for supper?” Double Mamaw just says, “Fiddlesticks!” Or she says something like, “Laws a me!”

Shady has a custom one too. He likes to say “Purple Donkey”, or something like “Cheese and crackers!” Of course his would be weird but Shady IS a weird little kid. So that makes sense for him, and he doesn’t have to get his mouth washed out with soap. Uncle Muddy just makes up something like “Now that scissors-bill dog done tried to bite me!” Or “Praise God boy, just hold the light still so I can see to work under this here sink!”

Speaking of made up cuss words, Uncle Muddy told us a real funny story about a preacher he used to work construction with. It goes like this:

Uncle Muddy: “One time when I was a young man, I used to work construction, helping build houses, pour concrete and drive the flatbed lumber truck to and from from hardware stores, that type of thing. There was this preacher who was on our crew, and he was a real man of God. A real quiet type, and not too obnoxious with it; he still thumped the Bible like your Mamaw there, but he didn’t knock it upside your head.” Mamaw glared a side eye glare, but let him finish.

Continuing his story he told us, “Anyway we were on the site one day, and we were trying to get the walls raised on this particular house, trying to beat the rain so we all got into a big hurry. Folks were working so fast they started making mistakes, and this preacher was making them too. I stepped around the corner of the truck, as I was unloading it fast as I could and I saw the preacher swing back and slam his thumb with a big ole hammer. He hit it right on the money too!”

I heard him yell, “”Ouch!” real loud and I heard something else come out of his mouth. After he yelled ouch, he let out with “I’ll just be God…” then he saw me. He finished his exclamation with, “…God in heaven! Please help this thumb quit hurting so all fired bad, NOW!” He flat turned that cuss word into a prayer quick like!”

“I knew he wanted to say something else and I couldn’t help it. I laughed my fool head off, knowing he was just about to cuss. That man NEVER said anything bad about anybody, and to this day, as God be my witness for sure, I don’t think I ever heard him say one single cuss word. Even now when I see him, I grin at him and ask, “You ain’t hit that big ole thumb with any hammers lately have you?” He just smiles back, “Nah, I don’t do that kind of work anymore.”

I had to taste that cussing soap one time, for answering Mamaw smart; I had foam coming out of my mouth like I had rabies, for nearly an hour it seems. No sir, I don’t like the taste of soap at all!